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Doc Frankenstein

"Doc Frankenstein"
as told to Kelos

"Out in the Eastern Wastes, north of City 9. There's an old government lab that was abandoned but was never taken over by the Combine. This doctor went out there along with a few people to help him out. The doc used the lab to take samples of Xen creatures or portal-mutated Earth creatures. He did experiments and dissections and learned as much as he could about all the different specimens. People in the area called him Doc Frankenstein, since he never told anybody his real name.

"He was actually a pretty nice guy and shared a lot of info with whoever happened along. Here's an excerpt from a copy of one of his reports, which he gave me to put in the Archive, assuming it gets built:

" 'Specimen 4.98 - Appears to be a Xen-silicate with an outer shell of cellulose for support. Adapted to draw nutrients from the rich Xen atmosphere (the composition of which is akin to a solution, and could in areas be far too caustic for human lungs to withstand). Mobility of specimen resembles that of a human hand, with eight fingers on ball-socket joints. The fingers are covered in barbs and I believe them to be used for defense rather than feeding, as no mouth is present. However, any attempts to exert pressure on the fingers result in quick, muscular movements that would surely shred any fleshy substance it comes in contact with.

"Specimen does well in both fresh and salt water. Reproduction: Happens in thirty-one to fifty-three day cycles. Much of the nutrients are diverted to half of the fingers, which store the nutrients in large, fatty sacks. The creature then drops the fattened fingers, which move inchworm-like away from the main body. They travel away from the main creature and begin forming a new base. When this is established it soon sets up new fingers and establishes its own reproductive cycle.

"The nervous system is decentralized, much like a starfish. Non-poisonous to human beings. Causes mild hallucinations in Vortigaunts. Harvesting requires nullification of fingers. Outer flesh is peeled and barbs are skinned off. Inner flesh can be eaten raw but is extremely bitter. When cooked crystallizes and turns sweet. Should begin implementing them in local farming communities. Must research method for controlling reproductive cycle to maximize harvest.'

"The craziest thing about Doc Frankenstein is his choice of pets. He milks bullsquids to make antivenin, defangs headcrabs and has tanks of little icthyosaurs (turns out they grow to the size of their container, like goldfish).

"Ol' Doc likes to raise houndeyes, too, and he takes 'em out with him when he hunts antlions, the loony bastard. See, the houndeyes can detect the antlions by the vibration they make as they travel through the ground, and when they spot 'em they let loose with their sonic blasts. That noise makes the antlions surface and disorients them for a good minute.

"Doc Frankenstein has taught those houndeyes to make a perimeter around him as he walks. The houndeyes stay far enough away not to hurt the Doc and drive the antlions aboveground, where the Doc can plug 'em. He's even so daft as to tag antlions with tracking devices. Claims they're all sexless females, like ants. 'Cept for the cows and bulls. Cows lay the egg sacs and the bulls fertilize them. Bulls are then driven away by the female and find a spot to die, since they're incapable of feeding themselves (only with the aid of the workers).

"So those bulls find a nice little slice of home and defend it vigorously from intruders as they wait to die. Funny thing, Doc tells me, is that the bulls, soon as they aren't being influenced by the cows' pheromones telling them to fertilize the eggs, they start making their own pheromones that can call worker antlions to them.

"That's how they get food and protection. They end up living out their days being waited on and the cows are none the wiser."

Posted at 21:09

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